By Don Donatello
Here is an interview between me and . . . well, you know who. ENJOY! HAPPY HOLIDAYS PAC FANS!
DD: We are here in the posh, paid off, no mortgage payment home of the Greatest and P4P best fighter in the world, PBF. Was that okay, Floyd? . .pffffffth
PBF: Hey, what was the . .pfffffth . .you dissing me, man! What do you know about boxing?
DD: . . . hey, wait a minute, Floyd, I said you were the Greatest fighter and P4P best.
PBF: Yeah, but you said . .pfffffth at the end.
DD: You mean the . . pfffffth?
DD: Oh, I have a cold, Floyd. I was just clearing my nose. It just sounded like . .pffffffth, but I was just clearing my nose.
PBF: Um, Oh, okay.
DD: Okay, back to the interview. You said you have the highest PPV number in your fight against Oscar De La Hoya and it’s because of you and not Oscar.
PBF: That’s right! People wants to see me, Floyd jr., fight. PPV numbers don’t lie. 2.4 million, baby! Right, El (Leonard Ellerbe)?
DD: Before you and Oscar fought, in four out of six of Oscar’s last fights, he had 935K PPV against FernandoVargas, 950K against Shane Mosley, 1 million against Bernard Hopkins, and 925K against Ricardo Mayorga. That is around an average of 900K plus in PPV numbers.
And you, Floyd, before Oscar, you sold 340K against Arturo Gatti, 350K against Zab Judah, and right before Oscar, you had 324K against Carlos Baldomir. You average around 335K per fight.
PBF: SO? What are you saying?
DD: Oscar was selling more than you, Floyd. He average 900K while you average 335K.
PBF: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. Are you telling me that 900 is more than 300? HEY, ELLERBE, COME HERE! He says 900 is more than 300, is that true??
ELLERBE: No way, baby! He’s just messing with you, Floyd. 300 is more than 900, that’s a fact, babe. You know that, and I know that.
PBF: SEE THAT! Why you messing with me, man? I’m right, you’re wrong. Apologize or this interview is over, O-V-U-H, over!
DD: Okay, okay! I apologize, you’re right, I’m wrong . . .pfffth!
PBF: What was that?
DD: Just clearing my nose, Floyd, just clearing my nose. . . .pffffffth
DD: Okay, did you watch the Manny Pacquiao/Antonio Margarito fight?
FJ: NO! I’m not even thinking about boxing right now. People pay to watch me fight, I don’t pay to watch others fight.
DD: Pacquiao had another superb performance and totally dominated Margarito.
FJ: So, Pacquiao was knocked out two times. I’m undefeated.
DD: But you lost 6 times in your amateur career, that’s not undefeated, is it?
FJ: YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BOXING! You’re just a writer, stick to writing and interviewing and let me do the fighting.
DD: That’s what I’m doing, Floyd.
DD: You asked for Olympic style testing up to 14 days prior to the fight, Pacquiao went further and agreed to 7 days prior to the fight and immediately after the fight. Are you now going to agree to fight Pacquiao?
FJ: I’m not going to fight Pacquiao right now, are you nuts? He’s at his prime, did Sugar Ray Leonard fight Marvelous Marvin Hagler when Hagler was at his prime? NO! He waited until Hagler lost a little and slowed down. I’m just following Sugar’s plan.
DD: What if Pacquiao retires and doesn’t fight you at all?
FJ: You see, that’s the beauty of my plan. It’s a win win situation. If he retires, I’ll be the only mega star in boxing. I can then hold HBO and GBP (Golden Boy Promotions) hostage and fight tomato cans for millions and millions of dollars.
DD: If you can beat Manny Pacquiao like you claim, why not fight him for $50 million dollars?
FJ: Suppose I’m wrong and he kicks my ass, then what? Why should I fight Pacquiao for $50 million and risk losing. I can make $50 million fighting two tomato cans, those are guaranteed win. I’ll fight someone who are smaller, older, or both older and smaller, like Marquez. That’s the boxing that you don’t know about, chump!
DD: You said you want to fight on a level playing field. Juan Manuel Marquez came from 130 and agreed to fight you at 144 pounds, but you came in two pounds more than him. Is that a level playing field?
PBF: YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE BUSINESS OF BOXING! Of course it’s a level playing field. It’s like this, man. Say that I plan not to make the weight to get an advantage, and Marquez is willing to work real hard to make the agreed weight. Since Marquez is working harder than me, doesn’t he deserve some money for his effort. I said to Marquez, is 300K for each pound I go over the agreed weight makes the field level between you and me? If so, take the 600K. And guess what, he agreed it was a level playing field and he took the money. And that’s the boxing business you don’t know about. Right, El?
Ellerbe: You’re right again, Floyd! . . pffffth
PBF: HEY, EL, WHAT THE *&%$ IS THAT?
Ellerbe: Sorry, babe! It’s gas! It just sounded like . .pfffth…it was actually . . .pffffrrrrrrrth!
PBF: Oh, alright.
DD: There are people who say you’re not undefeated, they say you lost to Jose Luis Castillo in the first fight. According to HBO’s Punch Stat, Castillo landed 203 jabs and you landed 157. Castillo also landed 173 power punch and you had only 66.
PBF: No, no, no, no, no, man! Your numbers are wrong. My accountant sat down and watched that fight and he DOCUMENTED that I landed more punches. He told me that I landed 166 power punch and Castillo only landed 73. And Castillo landed 302 jabs and I landed 751 jabs. So I won that fight hands down.
DD: Didn’t your accountant just change the numbers around. He switched your 157 jabs to 751, then he took the 1 from Castillo’s 173 power punch and added it to your 66 power punch.
PBF: No, you see, everybody is against Floyd. Everybody hates me and want to bring me down, especially that white man, Larry Merchant. My accountant found out that HBO was the one that switched the numbers around. My accountant just corrected it. And so I’m still undefeated.
DD: Isn’t this the same accountant that told you that all your stuff, including the car that got repossessed, are all paid off with cash?
DD: You said Pacquiao is on steroids. Do you have any proof?
PBF: Well, it’s like this. He was not knocking guys down like Marquez and Marco Antonio Barrera when he was at 130 pounds. Then he goes up in weight and started to knockout bigger guys like David Diaz, Ricky Hatton, and Miguel Cotto. You can’t go up in weight and dominate the bigger guys without steroids.
DD: Henry Armstrong did go up and win over bigger guys and he started at Featherweight and fought for the Middleweight title too. That was before there was such a thing called steroids. You yourself started at 106 pounds at age 16 and went all the way to to 147, same scenario as Pacquiao.
PBF: I’VE BEEN A BOXER ALL MY LIFE, YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BOXING, YOU’VE NEVER BOXED! You see, Henry Armstrong was an African America, and I’m African American. We can do those kinds of things. Pacquiao or Poochie, is Asian. They can’t do what African Americans can do naturally. That just proves without a doubt that Poochie is using steroids.
DD: What about irrefutable proof, Floyd. Do you have proof that Pacquiao used steroid, he has been tested countless of time and it always came out negative.
PBF: My dad said Pacquiao is on steroids, my uncle Roger said he is on something, uncle Jeff said he is using something, Oscar thinks he is on something. Man, that is proof enough for me. What else do you need? I can’t believe no one would believe the Mayweather family! Why is that? Didn’t I give away turkeys to the poor folks? Where is the love in return?
DD: Why was it 18 days as the last day that you and Mosley tested when random testing called up to the day of the fight?
PBF: Man, you really don’t know boxing. Mosley didn’t know it would be 18 days, but I knew, I knew. HE-HE. I was bigger than Mosley at fight night, I took my drugs, too bad he didn’t. I punk his ass, that’s all. Did you notice that my muscles was bigger than Mosley’s? I’m going to pull the same thing on Poochie, you watch.
DD: Why did you beat up those women and threaten to kill the mother of your child, Floyd? Could it be due to roid rage, Floyd?
PBF: ROID RAGE? ROID RAGE? GET YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE! YOU MOTHER$%^#ER! YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BOXING, YOU NEVER BOX!!! WHY IS EVERYONE OUT TO GET ME, EVERYONE IS JUST JEALOUS, MY STUFFS ARE ALL PAID OFF IN CASH AND THEY CAN’T STAND IT! . . . .50 CENT! 50 CENT! . . . 50 CENT!!! . . KICK THIS MOTHER OUT OF MY CRIB BEFORE I CAP HIS ASS . . . . .where is my Segway two-wheeler, I’ll run you over with it, you mother..
(Disclaimer: This conversation was satire and never actually took place, it was done just for laughs)
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