By Don Donatello
Pretty Boy Floyd (Floyd Mayweather Jr): Hey, Devil, can I talk to you, there must be a mistake, man! I don’t belong in hell, man! Besides, I’m undefeated, man!
Devil: Why do you think you don’t belong in here with us, Floyd Mayweather Jr.? Explain yourself.
PBF: Okay, hhhmmmm. . . Okay, I did give the poor folks some turkey when I was preparing for a fight. Hey, did you hear me when I said I was undefeated, 41 and 0, bro!
Devil: So you gave away some turkey. Did anyone see you do it?
PBF: Yeah, there were even cameras and everything. It was even televised by HBO. Yup, people saw me giving away the turkeys to the poor people. That means I’m a nice guy.
Devil: Did you give away turkeys before or after that, Floyd Mayweather Jr?
PBF: UHHHMMM . . .hey, Devil. Do you know everything, like do you know when I’m lying or not?
Devil: Yes, I know everything about people who are here and when they are lying.
PBF: Well . . . . . . . .uhmmmm . . . then I have to say no. That was the only time I gave away turkeys to the poor people.
Devil: So tell me, what else did you do that makes you think that you don’t belong here. Your uncle Roger and your father are in here, Zab Judah was going to be here but he atoned for his sins and he was scratched off the list.
PBF: You’re kiddin’! Really? Zab got off the list? All he did was, . . . . . what was that word again?
Devil: Atone. It means to amend or make up for his sins, Mr. Floyd Mayweather.
PBF: Hey, Devil, can I do that too.
Devil: We’ll see, Mr. Floyd Mayweather, we’ll see. OK, let’s continue on why you think you don’t belong here.
PBF: OK! Well, I gave people money when I was at a night club. . . . .AND . . . . 41 have tried and all of them failed!
Devil: Who did you give it to, Mr. Floyd Mayweather Jr.?
PBF: Well, I didn’t give it to anyone in particular. I threw the monies into the crowd.
Devil: So why did you do that? What was the reason why you threw money into the crowd and not at anyone in particular, Floyd Mayweather Jr.?
PBF: Hey, Devil, you did say that you know everything, right?
Devil: Yes, I said that.
PBF: Uhhm, okay! Well, it’s like this, Devil, man! You see, I wanted people to see how rich and successful I was. And by throwing money into the crowd, people would think that I was rich and I wanted them to be envious of me. It made me feel good when I’m so much richer than they are. And I wanted people to wish they could be Floyd Mayweather Jr.
Devil: I see, so it was not to help people but it was to help you to feel better about yourself.
PBF: No, I wanted to help. . . . .err . . . . . . OK, yeah, it was not to help anyone. It was for me.
PBF: What do you mean by, “and,” Devil?
Devil: You wanted people to think you are rich by throwing fake bills into the crowd, Mr. Floyd Mayweather? I just can’t get “ghetto logic.”
PBF: Oh, yeah, I was going to tell you about that, I just forgot about that part.
Devil: DO YOU SEE THE WORDS, “FLOYD MAYWEATHER FAN,” WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD, MR. FLOYD MAYWEATHER JR.?
PBF: No. OK, sorry about that. I forgot that you know everything. And I bet you know about my PERFECT record, too. Right, bro?
Devil: There is one thing that I want you to tell me about, Floyd Mayweather Jr.
PBF: OK, what is it, Devil, man?
Devil: You accused Manny Pacquiao of cheating by using steroids. Did you see him use steroids, Mr. Floyd Mayweather Jr.?
PBF: Well. . . . . no, but I just know he is on it! How else can he do what he did without his power pellets? He is doing things that have not been done before, man. That should be proof enough. Come on, man. There is no man that small who can beat up guys like Cotto and Clottey without steroids, man! I just know it. Hey, man, he even beat up that Mexican Terminator dude who was 17 pounds bigger than him, man!!. He even broke his orbit bone.
Devil: Did you mean his orbital bone?
PBF: YEAH, YEAH, WHATEVA!! The bone around his eye, man!
Devil: Mr. Floyd Mayweather, you do know that it is a sin to claim someone is cheating without providing the proof to justify your accusation.
PBF: Well, so tell me, how can I make it up for that sin, Devil? How can I. . . . what was that word again, Devil?
PBF: Yeah, so how can I . . . . hhrrrmmmm. . . . atone for my sins.
Devil: That’s easy, Mr. Floyd Mayweather Jr.
PBF: YEAH!!!???? OK, tell me then! What do I have to do, man?
Devil: You have to fight him, Pacquiao!
PBF: WHA. . . WHA . . .WHAT! ARE YOU NUTS? YOU’RE KIDDIN’, RIGHT?? PACQUIAO IS IN HIS PRIME, MAN! THERE MUST BE ANOTHER WAY! Oh-oh, it’s my hands, they’re hurting again! OUCH! Look at his, Devil, man! See my hands; they’re hurting reeeeeaaal bad right now. You got doctors in here, Devil? I need a doctor, man! I need my xylocaine. . . .where’s my xylocaine . . . . . . I. . . . I’m . . . I’m feeling woozy, …I I’m . . . .where’s El. . . .Ellerbe. . . where are you my . . .
Devil: Floyd, Mr. Floyd Mayweather . . . are you okay, Mr. Mayweather, are you okay?
PBF: Wha. . . . what . . what happen?
Devil: You passed out, Mr. Floyd!
PBF: Hey, Devil, how long do I have to stay here if I don’t atone for my sins?
Devil: Eternity! But Mr. Floyd, this place is not that bad. We have some mad parties here at my lair. We got Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga, the Playboy Bunnies and many more, Mr. Floyd. We even have that traitor, Shaquille O’Neil! Yes, I’m a Laker fan! Who isn’t? So is the man upstairs.
PBF: PSSSSST! Hey, Devil, can you grant me one request if I’m going to stay here? Can we make a deal, bro?
Devil: Sure, Mr. Floyd, anything you want. I’m sure we can work something out. A few months pass. (Music) Party going at the Devil’s lair!
PBF: You know what, Devil. You’re not such a bad guy after all, bro!! Compromise is great! I fought Pacquiao and I beat him, and I’m here with you, and most of all, Ellerbe is also here. HE-HE You’re right, Devil, Ellerbe sure does have a puurrrrrrrty mouth!
Devil: You’re not such a bad guy yourself, Mr. Floyd Mayweather Jr. So you beat Bobby instead of Manny; it’s still Pacquiao. Party on, Mr. Floyd, party on!!!! Excuse me, Mr. Floyd, Oscar De La Hoya and Richard Schaefer want to talk to me about something.
PBF: WHOOOOOOOOOOA! PARTY! PARTY! PAAARTEEEEEEE! HE HE HE. . .
Oscar: Hey, Devil, wanna see a good laugh? HE-HE. Wanna see Floyd lose it? Tell Floyd that Manny Pacquiao is at the White House meeting with President Barack Obama.
Devil: PPSSSST! Hey, Floyd, guess what . . .
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